A Common Mistake That Can Weaken Your Marriage

A mistake I see a lot of couples make when they have children is to put their children first over their marriage.

For career moms like me, the priority order is often children, work, then partner. This is because children and work seem urgent; their needs are louder than those of the adult that you’ve committed to spending the rest of your life with. Your partner won’t scream or throw toys on the floor or require you to spend time with him in order to get a paycheck, which is why this relationship usually falls to the sidelines.

But while your children and work will demand much of your attention and energy, they are not as important as your partner. Your partner is your teammate throughout life, meant to support you and your growth on this wild ride. Imagine how chaotic your work day would be if you didn’t have a strong team surrounding you!

Your relationship with your partner will impact how you you show up for work and how you parent. To your children, you and your partner are their lifeline. You provide them the basic human needs like food and shelter, as well as emotional and psychological stability. When you and your partner are out of alignment or there is tension in your marriage, your children feel that, even if you are fighting behind closed doors.

(I don’t recommend fighting in privacy, by the way, since children need to learn how to fight, come back together, forgive, and compromise or repair by witnessing you do this within your household. Yes, there are times when we are too emotionally triggered to have a mature conversation and a break will do us well. But we can’t get in the habit of putting off an argument until “a better time” because most of the time, no such thing exists. Then, we attach to the feelings that were not expressed and they turn into resentment and exponential anger that comes out sideways later. If your reason for “fighting behind closed doors” is because you or your partner are mean and disrespectful when fighting, well, then, come have a chat with me to learn the emotional intelligence necessary to be in a healthy adult relationship!)

Back to your children: When they feel tension between the two people they love that provide them with security, it feels like their safety is being threatened. (And your children can sense this tension between the two of you no matter what their age or how much you try to hide it.)

Research shows that when children witness regular hostile conflict between their parents, they have difficulty focusing at school and their concern may manifest as aggression, non-compliant behavior, depression, anxiety, and withdrawal. The love and stability of your relationship –whether you stay married or not –impacts their development, so be sure to re-prioritize this relationship as the most important one in your life.

Prioritizing your relationship is NOT about having regular date nights as many well-meaning therapists and friends will suggest. It’s about unpacking the relational patterns you inherited from your upbringing and cleaning up any emotional baggage you and your partner carry so you can love and connect from a clean, unconditional, non-transaction-based, vulnerable state.

Cheers to nurturing you and how you show up in your marriage to make it the priority it needs to be.

Lots of Love,
💜 Your Coach,
Sara