How To Get What You Want By Making Better Requests

Do you forget that your partner is not a mind reader, like me and many of the clients I’ve worked with?

“I left the clean clothes on top of the dryer, but my husband didn’t fold them!” one said.

“Did you ask him to fold them?” I asked.

“No…” she replied.

“I really wanted to go to that event but my husband didn’t offer to stay home with the boys so that I could attend,” another said.

“Did you ask him to stay home with your boys?” I asked.

“No… I want him to want to offer to do so!”

Or,

“I wish my wife would attend couples counseling with me, but she won’t,” a different client said.

“Did you ask her to join you?” I inquired.

“I mentioned it five years ago and she said no,” he replied.

“Are you the exact same person today as you were five years ago?” I asked.

“Of course not…”

If You Don’t Ask, The Answer Is Always No

Often, we don’t make a request because we fear the answer will be no. But if we don’t ask, we don’t give the person the opportunity to say yes, so the answer will always be no.

A friend and yoga teacher of mine, Hanna, is a huge Dave Matthews Band fan. She’s seen them in concert many times and has always had a crush on Dave.

One year, Hanna’s husband got her near-front row tickets to see DMB. She saw her chance to ask for what she wanted, so she spent an afternoon creating a bright, glittery sign that read, “May I meet you, Dave?”

As Dave Matthews came onto the stage to introduce the opening band, Hanna held up her sign with proud arms, put a bold smile on her face, and communicated her request to Dave. He saw her sign and smiled, then whispered something to one of the security guards and pointed to Hanna and her bright sign.

A few minutes later, that same security guard escorted Hanna back stage where she got to meet Dave Matthews, take a picture with him, and give him a kiss on the cheek! Hanna asked for what she wanted, and in doing so, made one of her biggest dreams come true.

Now, whether you are asking your daughter to pick her socks up off the floor or your assistant to revise a project, there are a few factors that will make it more likely that your request is understood and honored, which I’ll outline below.

Check In With Yourself First

The first critical step to making a request is to check in with yourself. Like all the work we do together, you need to continually shine a light on yourself to consider what is affecting your point of view, whether or not your emotions need to be tended to, and if your conscious adult self is present.

So, before you make a request of anyone, ask yourself:

1. Am I emotionally charged about this request?

2. Am I attached to the outcome?

(Meaning, do you view it more as a demand rather than a request? Do you envision only one response or solution in mind, rather than being flexible and willing to collaborate on a solution?)

If the answer is yes to either of these questions, you have some more work to do before you make the request. Allow yourself to experience any feeling coming up around the request and let it flow through you, remembering that no feeling lasts forever unless you decide to cling to it. Consider the other person’s point of view and what the straight facts of the situation are vs. the story you are creating in your head. Determine how you can be flexible and open-minded about your request, while also standing up for yourself and creating any necessary boundaries.

How To Make Effective Requests

Once you are in an empowered, non-attached state, it’s time to make the request. Follow these guidelines:

1. Be specific.

LIKE THIS:  Will you please help me more with the boys’ bedtime routine?

NOT THIS:   I need you to be a more involved parent.

LIKE THIS:  I want you to share at least one idea in every sales meeting so the team witnesses your leadership skills.

NOT THIS:  I want you to show more leadership this quarter.

2. What does it look like and by when?

LIKE THIS:  Every night, will you clean up the kitchen while I run the bath? Will you bring out pajamas before we finish brushing teeth?

NOT THIS:  Help me more while the boys are in the bathtub.

LIKE THIS:  I’d like to see a deeper breakdown in the report around cost projections and resource requirements. Please update it and send me the next draft by Friday morning.

NOT THIS:  This report needs more detail. Get it back to me ASAP.

3.  Ensure the request was understood.

LIKE THIS:  Is it clear what I’m requesting of you or do you have any questions? Does this seem like something you are willing to commit to?

NOT THIS:  Got it? Ok, great!

LIKE THIS:  Will you summarize what we discussed, including the timeline and your next steps, in a quick email so I know we are on the same page?

NOT THIS:  Great, let me know once the project is complete.

Ensuring You Understand A Request From Someone Else

Not everyone will have the same level of understanding about request making that you just gained. When someone else asks something of you, be sure the request is specific, that you know what the end goal looks like to the person making the request (not what it looks like to you), and the expected timeframe for results.

Ask clarifying questions like:

• What do you mean by that?
• What does this look like to you?
• Can you share some examples?
• OK, so what you are requesting is… [repeat it back to them to ensure you understood].

Now get out there and make your dreams come true!

Lots of love,

Your coach,

Sara

P.S. Want to develop your self-mastery skills so you can achieve high performance and feel-good balance in both your work and family life? Then subscribe to my weekly newsletter HERE for quick, simple tips to grow in your leadership (and human!) abilities.